To where must I nest my heart.
I was enveloped
By the coldest arms
Not even the edge
Of my heart
Not even the sides
Of my aching soul
No one’s left. Nothing’s left, except the scars in my faith, and the taints in my memories.
Time has shown and told, that time spent many yesterdays aback account to nothing, now. Time has shown, the continuation of your un-ended stories.
Time has told, that trust is made, gained, and broken eventually.
You can’t always try your hardest to keep people in your life. When they’re too lazy to lift a finger to do something to make you happy.
And see, there’s loneliness, lurking inside in her deep brown eyes.
All his life, all the kid ever wanted was to touch the stars. “They’re so bright, they can light up my night,” he would always whisper to himself as he peaked outside the small, dirty window of his bedroom. Since then, all he ever wanted was to come closer to the sky, touch the stars.
And we, like this little kid, have in one way or another a longing desire for a far distant star.
We end up in sighs, every night before going to sleep - whispering to ourselves, “Only if I could be this, or that.. or reach this, and that.” And sleep with a burdened heart, feeling inadequate. Then the next day, we wake up, in sighs, yet again. For in our dreams, we have seen the bright shining star, and still wasn’t able to get it or come near it. The cycle never ends, because we choose not to. We choose to continue to live in sighs, in burdens, in desires, and in wishes.
But stars, are long dead.
For all we know, it’s already a million of light years before we come to see the beauty of a star. For all we know, it’s not even worth the wait and the want to be near the star.
The same goes with our own stars. They’re only good from a distance. They’re only the desirable star from afar. They’re only a good kind of bright from afar.
Life could be a lot better if we try to see the good things we have. The people we have in our lives. The opportunities we have, but we cease to receive because we’re so preoccupied with something that’s never good enough.
Things from a distance always look perfect and nice-to-have. But once you take hold of it, then you see the little and the big flaws it has.
There’s a reason as to why stars are placed above the skies. There’s a reason as to why we keep on not getting everything we want in this life. The Universe is not just being rude and cruel; or maybe it just is. But, let us put it this way - the Universe is being rude and cruel in a rightful and purposeful manner.
Stars, I never meant to tell you this. I love you still. You will always be my star, and no one can replace you. It’s just that, it’s the best that you stay there, as I build a life down here, apart from your light. Keep shining down on me, as I sleep. And tomorrow, even if the sun’s light overpowers you, worry not, for I still see and feel your divine existence.
In being a star, you excel.
So. I will be talking about Love, but not really. We keep on talking and writing about Love, like we know it all. But do we? We keep on talking about relationships, like we have experienced everything. Of course, the Universe knows, we haven’t. And we wouldn’t want to.
We think we know it all. But we don’t. We only come to know ourselves better after the pain has lingered in our aching souls. But we don’t know the whole story of Love. It’s a one-sided story of Love we tell to other people.
We make generalizations, but Love doesn’t. It doesn’t look at us and label us such things - maybe, label us as dork, pathetic, perfect, incapable, frustrated, or any of the sort. Love looks at us - past our imperfections, weaknesses, and even strengths - and sees our souls. For it is in the soul that Love finds its path, its gateway, its entry, and even its exit. Love doesn’t make generalizations, even if it has been hurt. Love sees uniqueness, opportunities. Love sees hope. Love defies all reasons.
Can we ever tell who to love, who to drop, who to date? Maybe, we try to find the perfect words to represent our desires. Maybe we try to romanticize things. But, Love is more than words, more than desires, more than romance. What it is, I can never explain. Not in small or grand gestures. Not even in fancy or almost-perfect words.
Love isn’t found in words, in a to-do list, in a checklist, in gestures, in kisses or hugs, in dreams or fantasies. Love lives in the heart, and it nourishes the soul. Love is a decision, most of the time, based on irrational reasons. You go out with a person not because of many reasons, or one striking quality. You go out with a person, because you felt a connection in your souls. More or less, a connection that could bind you together for a long time. Or a connection that could make you feel better as persons if you decide to share your stories.
For it is in searching, lurking out in the dark, and falling that we learn and we grow. And hopefully, we come to know Love.
And I know, one day the Universe will greet him with a morning pain.
Heard it many times that I’m so much of an overthinker. That I could do better had I not been an overthinker.
Other people are drowned in their daily daydreams. While I hustle and drown in my overthinking realm.
I think my overthinking roots from my being a (frustrated) writer. In being one, I always pay attention to details, to the whys, the hows, and just all the nitty-gritty details of life. I can’t accept things as they are, nor let things stay as they are.
You can have pasta for dinner, and say that it tastes good. While I have my own share of the same pasta, I would have to go into the details - details, why my share of the same pasta tastes good. This is so petty, but yeah.
The thing is, when I don’t think into the details, I feel that I’m being irresponsible. I like to think of the different situations that could happen, and if such happens, what happens next.
It’s not difficult, you see. It would have been difficult if I were trying hard to think of things. But things just come out naturally. So natural, I feel like it’s already wired into my systems.
I can’t look at a calendar without trying to figure out how the next days are going to be. I can’t wake up on a Monday morning without having a picture of my entire week. I can’t sit all day, and just let time pass me by.
You see, overthinking is something I cannot undo. Without overthinking, it won’t be me - it will only be a physically-present lame girl, who wanders in this earth with an empty soul. And never have I imagined myself to wander in this earth carrying an empty soul. Because it’s the soul that we only have, and I want it filled and colorful. And that, I do by overthinking.
The only thing with my overthinking is that most of the time, I confuse my thoughts and reality. Sometimes, in diving too much in my thoughts, I can’t distinguish which is which. And most of the time, all I gather from my overthinking is fear. Fear of seeing my thoughts come to life. My soul then becomes caged in fear, until I realize that I have caused my soul another lie.
There could be people whom I have hurt from thinking too much. I may have disregarded emotions and efforts, because I was so preoccupied with my thoughts. And I apologize.
But never can I let go of overthinking, even though I wish one day, it would just leave my aching soul. Because it’s how I am. I need details. I need reason. I need to know why and how. I need to know. And my soul requests to wander off, and travel to impossible places.
Is there something good I get from overthinking? You bet. It’s like an addictive personal fortune telling. Because in anticipating things - whether good or bad - they come to life. The things I once thought as my feared reality really comes to life, in due time.
And the good things I have showered my soul with, also come to pass, in due time.
There’s beauty in overthinking, in anticipating things, in asking. Because you can never let anyone control your life, and you make the most of every opportunity. You stir up your soul to figure out why a certain thing happened. And that, for me, will cause you to grow, to learn new things, and even to unlearn old habits.