And I know, one day the Universe will greet him with a morning pain.
Heard it many times that I’m so much of an overthinker. That I could do better had I not been an overthinker.
Other people are drowned in their daily daydreams. While I hustle and drown in my overthinking realm.
I think my overthinking roots from my being a (frustrated) writer. In being one, I always pay attention to details, to the whys, the hows, and just all the nitty-gritty details of life. I can’t accept things as they are, nor let things stay as they are.
You can have pasta for dinner, and say that it tastes good. While I have my own share of the same pasta, I would have to go into the details - details, why my share of the same pasta tastes good. This is so petty, but yeah.
The thing is, when I don’t think into the details, I feel that I’m being irresponsible. I like to think of the different situations that could happen, and if such happens, what happens next.
It’s not difficult, you see. It would have been difficult if I were trying hard to think of things. But things just come out naturally. So natural, I feel like it’s already wired into my systems.
I can’t look at a calendar without trying to figure out how the next days are going to be. I can’t wake up on a Monday morning without having a picture of my entire week. I can’t sit all day, and just let time pass me by.
You see, overthinking is something I cannot undo. Without overthinking, it won’t be me - it will only be a physically-present lame girl, who wanders in this earth with an empty soul. And never have I imagined myself to wander in this earth carrying an empty soul. Because it’s the soul that we only have, and I want it filled and colorful. And that, I do by overthinking.
The only thing with my overthinking is that most of the time, I confuse my thoughts and reality. Sometimes, in diving too much in my thoughts, I can’t distinguish which is which. And most of the time, all I gather from my overthinking is fear. Fear of seeing my thoughts come to life. My soul then becomes caged in fear, until I realize that I have caused my soul another lie.
There could be people whom I have hurt from thinking too much. I may have disregarded emotions and efforts, because I was so preoccupied with my thoughts. And I apologize.
But never can I let go of overthinking, even though I wish one day, it would just leave my aching soul. Because it’s how I am. I need details. I need reason. I need to know why and how. I need to know. And my soul requests to wander off, and travel to impossible places.
Is there something good I get from overthinking? You bet. It’s like an addictive personal fortune telling. Because in anticipating things - whether good or bad - they come to life. The things I once thought as my feared reality really comes to life, in due time.
And the good things I have showered my soul with, also come to pass, in due time.
There’s beauty in overthinking, in anticipating things, in asking. Because you can never let anyone control your life, and you make the most of every opportunity. You stir up your soul to figure out why a certain thing happened. And that, for me, will cause you to grow, to learn new things, and even to unlearn old habits.
In the end, even if we deny not to feel the need to win, some nights, you’ll feel it would really be better if you won.
Winning or losing, I don’t know if it matters. I don’t even know when to say someone has won, and someone has lost. Was it our ultimate goal, anyway?
I would never tell that I have won nor tell that I have lost. I may be a sucker for still looking at you with joy, but that doesn’t make me lose, nor win.
Because what it was, after all, was just the best thing to happen. Drift apart.
We are mere mortals
In an imperfect world
In a self-destructing world
We are mere mortals
Like jars of clay
Only that we’re build of memories
We are mere mortals
Only hoping to be loved
And to give out love
We are mere mortals
With gems inside
Keeping more than diamonds
After the drought came the rain
And it washed away her loneliness
It buried all the emptiness she felt
Deep down nowhere to be found
I excel in being alone. Might toast with myself, and celebrate independence.
So when you’re in your early 20s, have just graduated from college, trying to resolve which career path you’d like to take, and trying to resolve your personal issues.. I guess, being in a relationship is the least you need. Oh well, at least for me. I am 20, have just graduated from college, trying to resolve which career path I’d like to take, and trying to resolve my personal issues. And in being alone, it’s something I excel on.
6 reasons as to why I excel in being alone
1. I’m starting my career. Okay, we all know it’s not a fairy tale after college. The real world is bigger, and there a lot more things I need to focus on. Maybe start a business, get my MS. Or both. But one thing is for sure - I won’t forever be in the office, reporting from 8AM to 5PM. And with the given situation, and my frame of mind, my relationship would have to take the back seat.
2. Dating is fun. And dating, nonexclusive. Meet new people, hear new stories, and experience new things. And being in a commitment bugs you down to one man. Not that you’re not satisfied, it’s just that these years and days are better spent with many people. I’m not thinking of settling down, and being a mother. Eh. So, yeah.
3. I like leaning on bus windows. Not on anyone’s shoulders. I just enjoy looking outside, see the cars and the people we pass by. And comes with is hugging my bag and my shoulders tight. Not hugging anyone else. Just myself.
4. I like quiet places. Where I can have a cup of coffee or a glass of milk tea. And where I can also read a good (preferably Haruki Murakami’s) book. I don’t like to go to fancy restaurants, and sit in front or beside someone, and keep him company and listen to his stories. It’s not that I don’t want to listen to his stories, it’s just that, I like reading alone better.
5. I don’t want someone telling me what not to do and what not to wear. I appreciate the concern, but when it gets way too far as to telling me to go back home and find a work there.. That’s another thing. I have my own mind, and my own desires. So yeah. I would like to keep my decisions, and decide for myself.
6. I am independent. Not from my family, as I still live with them. But I am independent because I don’t need a man. Never will I need a man. And a man should never need a woman. Two people should stay together not because they feel incomplete without the other. They should stay together because in being together, they decide that life will be a lot better.
And my list could go on, and I could even talk about petty things in life as to why I excel in being alone.
But I know. One day. Someone will come and catch me off guard. And all my reasons will just be a good early 20s reasons.
And I know, we’ll both decide that life will be better if we be together.
Even if we’re independent. Even if we have a career to pursue. Even if we have our own weaknesses. Even if we find many reasons not to.
We still will. :)
It has only been roughly two months, but I feel like the world has taught me millions of lessons already. And the world has showed me that not everyone you love needs to be in your life.
I tried to escape from the melancholic drama of home. And I wanted to build a life far from my family. But all of it was never worth the risk. Everything was a build up to a greater pain I received during the latter part of the year.
I wanted to build a life out there, in a bigger world. You said it was fine by you. But never had I felt your support, your comfort, your approval, and your love the moment I set foot in that not-so-far-away place. You stopped talking to me. You stopped caring like you used to. You only spoke of your love, but never dared to show it. Up until the last day we were together, all you made me feel was that cold love of yours.
I have gone through days, nights, and even weeks of blaming myself. For losing the love I have always wanted. But it dawned on me, I should never blame myself for your lousy love and your hollow words. You should’ve understood why I went away, and you should’ve supported me. I am starting my so-called career, and you can’t throw your childish tantrums at me, and ask me to go home just because you miss me. Then do something, if you want.
Had you been in my place for the past months, I would have understood you. Would have supported you. Because I never wanted to own you. I never wanted to own your dreams, and your whereabouts. I never wanted to own your life, and your time. All I want is to love you, and be with you.
But what you did was crazy. If your love was real, it could’ve waited for my return. It could’ve supported my new career. It could’ve understood my shortcomings; as you also have your own share of your shortcomings. It could’ve crossed the challenge of time and distance.
But you threw me away, like a worn out shirt you never want to wear again. You threw me away, without even looking back where I landed. You threw me away, bleeding and hurting. You threw knives on me, with the words you said, with the way you acted. You threw knives on me, and killed the hopes I have invested in you.
Nonetheless, I still feel restored as a woman.
Our relationship taught me to always know my self-worth, and to always assert myself when I know I am dead right.
I kept giving in to your tantrums, to your guilt trips. But thank you, for showing me that no matter how big you could get, you will always be that boy, who refuses to fix his mess on the floor. No matter how big you could get, you will always be that boy who refuses to go the extra mile, just because you’re extremely lazy.
These days are good and new. I no longer feel deprived of love. I no longer feel myself in a battlefield. But these days are the better days. And I choose to forget how much I loved you, and how much I still love you.
And these days are better. With the warm hugs of my loving sister and brother. And the warm kisses of my parents. And the wonderful company of my awesome friends. These, indeed, are my better days.
Was replaying the short and little memories we had, and trying to think what could have changed if I have made other actions and said other things. Almost broke into pieces when it dawned on me that things could have changed, and could have been better.
Better, what are you, really?
I could rewrite the story, change the words I said. But I wouldn’t.
I could have done better. But I didn’t.
I could have gone there, knock on your door. But I didn’t.
Because the better thing to do was to leave you. And to never hear what stupid things you have to say.
I thought your reasons could give me a solid ground. But with a boy like you who doesn’t have the decency to give me the proper ending I need to have. Asking why you did what you did is the most stupid thing I can ever do. I am better, because I am free of your love.
Your love, which was evident only in your words. Your love, so skinny, I felt nothing. Your love, like a battlefield. Your love, which I have waited for so long. Your love, so skinny.
Because all you never said was all I never needed.